Bio
· Expert on communication, behavior, education (check…get intro notes from Liz and Michelle)
· Presented across US and world
· Teaches communication to businesses including many fortune 500
· J.D. University of Chicago
· Has 2 children, both attended D103 schools
Situation: Have younger child “Biff,” planning party, put decorations on table, says to child “don’t touch,” parent distracted, child throws object, then another, then another. After 5th action, parent finally intervenes to redirect child. Child has scorecard for adults in his/her life. The numbers represent a) the relative easiness of the adult, b) how many times child got parents’ attention, c) how long does it take to get behavior. The Getaway number – the number of times the child can get away with bad behavior.
We want to be a One! What is a 1?
· Someone our children listen to, respect, and believe the First Time.
· Someone who “means it” without being mean.
Cultural DNA – our parental style is learned from adults who influenced us.
Kids know whether we are 1’s from what we do and don’t do.
Four Skills of Believability (SMELS)
1. Stop everything – talking, texting, driving (pull over). Children pay attention to the things that cause us to stop.
2. Move toward the child – physical act of stopping. Bend down for small children
3. Eyes – look them in the eyes. Gives you credibility. Don’t worry about whether child looks back at you.
4. Speak low and slow. Loud and fast don’t work. When anxiety goes up, learning goes down. Say quietly “this makes me furious.”
If you lose your cool, apologize for shouting and start over.
Being a “2” means your kids only have to listen to you 50% of the time.
There are skills we can use, and our kids will give us plenty of practice.
Worksheet Handling the Hardest –
o Grabbing vs. not grabbing Ask for it
o Pushing someone out of the way vs. Get out of here (nicely)
Camp is one of the best ways to prepare your kids for life. Look for accreditation on ACAIL.org.
“I’m so upset I don’t know what to say. I’m going to think about it and I’ll be back soon.”
We are the best teachers our kids will ever have.
Q&A
Questions he gets are usually tense and fearful, parents are defensive.
1. Is it ok to make a mistake and yell when they’re going to break something?
Yell because that’s the natural reaction. Then explain why you had such a strong reaction.
2. How do you teach your children to verbalize things better when you didn’t grow up that way?
Tell them that you didn’t grow up that way. Study how to do it, then teach them. Start slowly with young children: “I’m frustrated.”
3. What if you have many children who misbehave at the same time?
If they are all doing the same UB, address them together. If they aren’t, triage and prioritize. Address the worst one first. You teach them time mgmt skills at the same time.
4. Why do kids behave at the critical moment?
May be intentional on their part.
5. What if they speak appropriately but continue to ask for something?
Reinforce good talking skills. Find ways/times/things to say yes. Explain why you say no, acknowledge that they may be disappointed/angry with you.
6. What consequences work?
The best consequences that work tie directly back to the UB. Universal consequence – say UB makes me upset/disappointed, and when I’m upset/sad I don’t feel like doing nice things for people.
7. What if they’re not doing something they’re supposed to? (vs. doing something wrong)
Sometimes we haven’t taught it correctly. Teach them step by step how to do something, break larger job down into tasks.
If you are interested in purchasing a copy of Michael Brandwein's "Parenting Puzzle" DVD, please visit his web site: http://www.michaelbrandwein.com/yproducts.html
· Expert on communication, behavior, education (check…get intro notes from Liz and Michelle)
· Presented across US and world
· Teaches communication to businesses including many fortune 500
· J.D. University of Chicago
· Has 2 children, both attended D103 schools
Situation: Have younger child “Biff,” planning party, put decorations on table, says to child “don’t touch,” parent distracted, child throws object, then another, then another. After 5th action, parent finally intervenes to redirect child. Child has scorecard for adults in his/her life. The numbers represent a) the relative easiness of the adult, b) how many times child got parents’ attention, c) how long does it take to get behavior. The Getaway number – the number of times the child can get away with bad behavior.
We want to be a One! What is a 1?
· Someone our children listen to, respect, and believe the First Time.
· Someone who “means it” without being mean.
Cultural DNA – our parental style is learned from adults who influenced us.
Kids know whether we are 1’s from what we do and don’t do.
Four Skills of Believability (SMELS)
1. Stop everything – talking, texting, driving (pull over). Children pay attention to the things that cause us to stop.
2. Move toward the child – physical act of stopping. Bend down for small children
3. Eyes – look them in the eyes. Gives you credibility. Don’t worry about whether child looks back at you.
4. Speak low and slow. Loud and fast don’t work. When anxiety goes up, learning goes down. Say quietly “this makes me furious.”
If you lose your cool, apologize for shouting and start over.
Being a “2” means your kids only have to listen to you 50% of the time.
There are skills we can use, and our kids will give us plenty of practice.
Worksheet Handling the Hardest –
- Coat rack at church story
- Behavior comes in pairs (on the sheet)
o Grabbing vs. not grabbing Ask for it
o Pushing someone out of the way vs. Get out of here (nicely)
- Parents are there to intervene if the other person doesn’t respond to the child.
Camp is one of the best ways to prepare your kids for life. Look for accreditation on ACAIL.org.
“I’m so upset I don’t know what to say. I’m going to think about it and I’ll be back soon.”
We are the best teachers our kids will ever have.
Q&A
Questions he gets are usually tense and fearful, parents are defensive.
1. Is it ok to make a mistake and yell when they’re going to break something?
Yell because that’s the natural reaction. Then explain why you had such a strong reaction.
2. How do you teach your children to verbalize things better when you didn’t grow up that way?
Tell them that you didn’t grow up that way. Study how to do it, then teach them. Start slowly with young children: “I’m frustrated.”
3. What if you have many children who misbehave at the same time?
If they are all doing the same UB, address them together. If they aren’t, triage and prioritize. Address the worst one first. You teach them time mgmt skills at the same time.
4. Why do kids behave at the critical moment?
May be intentional on their part.
5. What if they speak appropriately but continue to ask for something?
Reinforce good talking skills. Find ways/times/things to say yes. Explain why you say no, acknowledge that they may be disappointed/angry with you.
6. What consequences work?
The best consequences that work tie directly back to the UB. Universal consequence – say UB makes me upset/disappointed, and when I’m upset/sad I don’t feel like doing nice things for people.
7. What if they’re not doing something they’re supposed to? (vs. doing something wrong)
Sometimes we haven’t taught it correctly. Teach them step by step how to do something, break larger job down into tasks.
If you are interested in purchasing a copy of Michael Brandwein's "Parenting Puzzle" DVD, please visit his web site: http://www.michaelbrandwein.com/yproducts.html